Friday's Poems I Might Actually Like #2

Real American Heroes

Sent to a prison in '72,
for a crime they didn't commit.
False confinement wasn't too much,
for this crack commando outfit.

They promptly escaped
from max security stocks,
to the L.A. underground.
Although you may never actually find them,
we know they'll always be 'round.

Despite still being hunted,
by the U.S. government,
They survive as mercenaries,
to stop those who torment.

If you find yourself in trouble,
and no one else has the steam,
then try searching for them,
seems you need the A-Team.

Gulp!!

If you didn't see the Lost Season 4 Finale last night than this won't mean anything. But if you did...HOLY CRAP!!!!

Advertising at its finest

Now to be honest I have only played the demo to the new game by the guys from Penny Arcade.
But with ads like this it must be amazing.


On the Rain Slick Precipice of Darkness

Wednesday's Nanofiction Roundup- "Tasty, Tasty Love"

Tasty, Tasty Love

Their serendipitous meeting was worthy of epic poetry. Their love shook the heavens and brought gods to their knees. By chance they were thrown together to create one of the greatest romances the world has ever known. Soul mates. They were Chocolate and Peanut Butter and their children would rule the world forever as Reese’s.

Monday's Blockbuster Haiku #2-6

Sorry this is late
I hope these make up for it
If not, well, I'll live.

Quadrilogy

Pissed off cop McClane,
Running barefoot on glass shards,
Take that Hans Gruber.

Pissed off cop McClane,
Trapped in an old airport, but
Carl Winslow's still there.

Pissed off cop McClane,
Plus pissed off Sam Jackson, means

lots of the word fuck!

Pissed off cop McClane,
Really? another Die Hard???
with the Mac kid?? no?!?!

Legacy Edition

Pissed off cop McClane,
Always in some kind of shit,
shoots peeps, blows things up.



Plus, just 3 days left
to place your vote for punching
Fox News is winning

Friday's Poems I Might Actually Like #1

Negotiation

Slowly drawing the pistol
he neared the corner.
Peering around, he spied
the hostage taker, Warner.
Then lined up a shot
from his place behind cover.
One little distraction and
Bang! it was over.

Evelyn

Wanted to post some pictures of Evey that have been taken over the past couple of months.

Stupid Temp!

Take that you half-bearded bastard!



Jim Halpert put it best...

Wednesday's Nanofiction Roundup- "One Poor Choice"

One Poor Choice

Harold Montgomery knew that this was wholly his fault. Fenders locked together, horns blaring, fists waving, as voices and tempers rose to a cacophony. Slowly inching forward he made a solemn vow; never would he be forced to wait in such a staggeringly long line of cars again. Next time he would go to Wendy’s

Monday's Blockbuster Haiku #1

Bit by a spider,
now jumping from building tops,
he's still a huge nerd.

"Classic" Literature

Yesterday Jessica and I went to see Prince Caspian (pretty good) and on the way we were discussing "classic" novels thats everyone should read at least once in their life. You may have been forced to read these in school or had them recommended by a pretentious friend along with a verbose reason why you should read said book (see what I did there with the fancy words?) But regardless of the reason you started to read the book you soon determined that there was no way in hell you would ever finish reading it.

The problem, we decided, with "classic" literature based on our silly world is just that. It's based on our world. Every one of these novels is trying to push some moral lesson, theme of rebellion, or societal problem down your throat on every page. The 20th century is most notorious for these type of books. (In its defense the last century was a huge one for the progress of the planet, but still...)

If someone came up to you and said, "Here read this giant near 700 page tome about the socio-economic and political problems of the 1930s. It is depressing and may make you want to shoot yourself, but it is awesome," you might be more cautious than if the same fucking douche said, "Here, this is John Steinbeck's greatest work, The Grapes of Wrath, you have to read it. It will change your life. And it won a Pulitzer."

The interesting thing is that I grew up as a voracious reader. I was constantly in the middle of some book or another and am still that way now. The difference for me was that reading was a way of escaping all the crap that was forced down my throat by school or life in general. If I am going to spend my time with a book I don't want it trying to do the same, with messages of "You should not fear him because his skin is a different color," or, "They should have the same rights even if they are a different sex," or, "Socialism is a great idea, it's just not practical." Not that these are bad ideas. Not at all. In fact they are all wonderful and great ideas and reasons that the 20th century actually did kick a lot of ass (well maybe not the socialism one.) I just don't want you preaching to me about it and hiding behind some delinquent teenage character who would never actually get away with some of the crap he/she does, but since its a novel they do. Oh but you might say, "What, Jason? The Catcher in the Rye is one of the greatest books of all time. And although Holden has issues with rebellion, defiance, and alienation, by the end of the book he is a lot more optimistic about life." To that I would respond...
"Quit being a douchebag!! It may have a ton of good themes and lessons, but in the end it is boring!!!"

Now after reading this you may be curious about what I actually can read and enjoy. The answer may surprise you....children's book, sci-fi, and fantasy. These genres have what it takes to completely escape from all of the ridiculously depressing stories of our world. Now you may be thinking, "Don't lots of those types of novels also deal with xenophobia, slavery, and other socio-economic quandaries?" The answer: yes. However, it is much easier to digest in this form. In "classic" adult literature, you may be asked to consume some hidden theme about why Character A hates Character B. In Sci-fi, its pretty easy. Character A hates Character B because he has pointing fucking ears...and that is different. I'm not expected to guess that Character A is a Serbian and Character B is a Croat and obviously they hate each other because of religious and territorial issues, not because of the fact that they look the same, speak the same language, and come from the same region.

So in summary:
If you want to recommend a book, just think about these points first.
1. Did I read it in school?
2. Were there any themes that I was asked to discuss?
3. Was I supposed to learn a lesson from reading it?
4. Is it completely devoid of spaceships, aliens, wizards, and swordplay?

If the answer to all of these is Yes. Then you might want to rethink your stance on the awesomness of this book.


Also, poetry sucks for the same reason, except poetry sucks worse because not only do you have to search for the meaning, but you have to search for the frakking decoder ring that will allow you to make head or fucking tails of the damn thing. And the poem is only 8 lines long.
With this in mind I am going to add two new weekly segments to my blog. The first will be Monday's Blockbuster Haiku. This section will be a blockbuster movie summarized in Haiku. The second will be Friday's Poems I Might Actually Like. This is pretty self-explanatory. I will write a poem that doesn't try to trick you into looking for the hidden meaning. And will probably have explosions of some kind. Add these to Wednesday's Nanofiction Roundup and we have a week's worth of work to do instead of actual work!

Pizza

Recently some friends of mine have been arguing about pizza. How to eat it, where to eat it, and safe ways of eating it. The thing about this is that Pizza is a simple food, who comes from humble beginnings and really only wants to get by in this cruel, cruel world. Pizza wants to be its own person, provide for its family, and make its mother proud. In short, Pizza is just like you and me. In order to help Pizza, I have decided that the only way to settle this is to delineate all the steps needed to properly consume Pizza. My tool: The Flowchart!

Box ==> Hand ==> Mouth

There you have it folks. All you'll ever need to know about the journey Pizza takes on its way to making this world a better place.

Long live the 'Za!!



Update: If you work in the pizza industry you may indeed need to know more about Pizza's voyage. For more information, please see your pizza emporium's manager.

Rain

So for people who don't know, it rains a lot in Tallahassee during the summer. As in every day there is rain for at least 30 minutes in the afternoon.

This got me thinking.

What if there was a place that had every kind of weather phenomenon every day??

My daily schedule would look something like this:

7am- Wake up to the gentle rumblings of our daily 4 point earthquake.

8am- Bundle up, because you have to go defrost the windows for your morning commute though a quick 2in snowfall.

11am- Early lunch, have to get back to the office before Hurricane Ted hits at 1:30pm.

3pm- Afternoon snack/Watch today's tornado fly past office window.

5pm- Run across parking lot to avoid golf ball sized hail.

7pm- Eat dinner on patio to enjoy the evening's lightning storm. Keep plenty of rubber nearby.

10pm- Drift off to sleep to the soft patter of rainfall.

12pm- Dream of rainbows. (Because of the rain...yeah that's it.)


Hmm.. other than earthquakes, hurricanes, and tornadoes it doesn't actually sound too bad.

Especially the rainbows.

Wednesday's Nanofiction Roundup-PSA

Don't be a funsucker. No one likes someone who sucks the fun out of things because they are miserable. If you are miserable do the responsible thing and wallow, at home, by yourself. In the long run people will like you better and you will live longer, maybe. Please, don't funsuck.

The More You Know.



Nanofiction and public service combined in one?? Tell me I never did anything for you.

Last night's category...

Classic Westerns involving red cowboy boots:

The Good, The Bad, and The Fabulous (Robin Scherbatsky)
The Magnificent Kevin (Lily Aldrin)
No Country for Straight Men (Marshall Eriksen)

My list:
1. Guy Noon
2. Unfor-gay-ven
3. How the West was Hung
4. Shootout at the No-Pants Corral
5. Lonesome Doug
6. Dances with Bruce
7. A Fistful of Collars
8. The Pants-less Frontier
9. The Queen and the Dead
10. Flaming Saddles


Surprisingly, there are a lot of Westerns that don't even need a name change to make it on this list:
Pale Rider
For a Few Dollars More
Hang 'Em High
Angel and the Badman
The Rare Breed
The Naked Spur


Man this list was pretty fun to make, and surprisingly easy...hmm I wonder what that says about me?

oh well

She still may have a chance!

So despite the fact that Hillary Clinton is losing pretty badly and should throw in the towel, she is still in the race. She wants Michigan and Florida to be counted so badly she can taste it...too bad she was the only democrat on the ballot in Michigan.

Anyway, I found this great informational video delineating the steps Hillary needs to take to win the Democratic nomination. I think you'll all agree that with a little hard work anything is possible.




haha Hillary is a goner!

Obama 08!

Tampa May 6&7- Radiohead, Busch Gardens

So, I'm freshly returned from a mid-week trip to Tampa to see Radiohead and go to Busch Gardens. It was awesome.

Despite drinking a "little" too much on Cinco de Mayo I was still able to make the drive down in just at 4 hours (no stops.)

The show was incredible. They played a nice mix of songs from older albums while still managing to get out 9 of the 10 from In Rainbows. The show was just over 2 hours and they played 24 songs. Again Incredible! Here is the setlist:

Setlist:

1. All I Need
2. There There
3. Lucky
4. Bangers and Mash
5. 15 Step
6. Nude
7. Pyramid Song
8. Optimistic
9. Weird Fishes/Arpeggi
10. National Anthem
11. Idioteque
12. You And Whose Army?
13. Reckoner
14. Everything In Its Right Place
15. Airbag
16. Bodysnatchers
17. Videotape

Encore:

18. The Gloaming
19. The Tourist
20. Just
21. Faust Arp
22. Exit Music (for a film)

Encore 2:

23. The Bends
24. House of Cards

Oh yeah and we were in the 4th row. We could have hit Ed with a water bottle if we had wanted to get kicked out. Great seats.

The next day Chris Beck and I went to Busch Gardens. We had gone in March and as FL residents when you pay once you get to go back all year for free. Pretty nice. Makes the $70 ticket price more reasonable now that it was only $35 a trip. When we got there we immediately rode Montu which is probably my favorite rollercoaster. It has lots of inversions, loops, and barrel rolls. And it is very long, like a couple minutes of craziness. 3,983 feet of track!!

Up next is Shiekra, the newest coaster, it is also insane. 200ft drop at a 90 degree angle is just plain crazy. But really the anticipation is the worst part...the drop isn't that bad. Check it out...but be careful people scream in the video.



All in all a fun trip. Glad to be home though.

Cinco de Mayo Mustache Madness!!

So after 8 weeks of growth the mustache was born!

Best Cinco de Mayo costume ever!!

Typical Bang

I stumbled across this video of our friends American Bang playing for SPIN at Coachella last week.

I can honestly say that this video quite possibly is the perfect representation of the Bang... Jaren and Kelby shirtless and rockin....Neil beating on anything he can get his hands on...and Ben, well, being Ben.

I love these guys..and am slightly sad that we live so far away from them now. Well, not slightly. Largely.

Coachella 2008: American Bang, "She Don't Cry No More&q

Greatest. Invention. Ever.

If only I had $3,000.

Out of Control

So my friend Yaacov and i are planning on going to see Iron Man on Saturday, cause we are nerds, but we asked our other friend Chris to come and he said, "I'll let you know." so I asked him, "how about I let you know?!?" to which he responded, "Hm. Let me think about that."

So obviously this is annoying... 30 minutes later. I had determined which showing was in Digital Projection. Thinking this would pique his interest I said, "1130...digital projection, saturday morning."
Chris: "I'm actually boycotting all things digital."
Jason: " Except the digital picture of me punching you in the face........'It looks so real!' "

So here we are 4 hours later and still no response. But he will go, oh yes, he will go. It has been foretold.



Also, I took my guitar to the shop a week ago to get some work done and I still haven't heard from them with an estimate of cost. I'm about to have to whip out digital picture Jason and punch some guitar techs in the face! or at least call them and see what the deal is..